myth of the proverbs 31 woman

The Myth of the Proverbs 31 Woman

I have to confess, when I received this month’s theme text, I wasn’t thrilled. I read a Proverb a day during my daily quiet time. I secretly look forward to the months that have less than 31 days because I can avoid that infamous “Proverbs 31 woman” passage. That way, I don’t have to face the fact that I simply don’t measure up and never could. It’s depressing and discouraging to me to even read it.

The Lord was telling me that it’s time to quit avoiding this Scripture and face the music. ALL Scripture, including and especially the ones that are difficult for us, are inspired by God and profitable for our teaching, training, reproof and correction (2 Timothy 3:16). I desperately needed to be corrected about this one.

Most Christian women I know are trying to “do it all” and “have it all.” They want a successful, lucrative career AND a perfect family. The most financial gain is the goal in life because we must have the resources to keep up with the perception that we “have it all together.” And we have used Scripture to defend our actions. Specifically, I hear Proverbs 31 most often cited as our defense.

We’ve gotten it horribly wrong. Myself included.

As I’m writing this, baby pictures of my youngest son are flashing by on my screensaver. He is five weeks old in these pictures. I don’t remember much about his first year of life. I suffered from pretty intense post-partum depression for a year before I finally admitted it and asked for help from my doctor.

I remember calling friends while he was crying in the background asking if they wanted him because I couldn’t do anything with him. I never wanted to harm him or myself, but I didn’t really like him much, either (I’m just being brutally honest with you).

He was unhappy because I was unhappy. He knew it. Even at such a young age. He didn’t sleep much, so neither did I. My focus was not my home. My focus was my own selfish wants.

I wanted my life back. I wanted to not cry over everything. I wanted to SLEEP. I wanted a baby I enjoyed. I had none of that, and frankly, I blamed God. HE gave me this child who was so difficult. I was obedient when I agreed to try to have another one. Why was I being punished?

I prayed for the first three years of his life for God to change him. I knew He could. One day, as I was praying, the Lord spoke to my heart. Not audibly. But so strongly, it couldn’t be ignored.

He said, “Kim, I’m not working on him. I’m working on you.”

He showed me that my son was not the one who needed the changing. It was me. He reminded me that He is sufficient. That He is in control. That I did not get short-changed in the perfect baby department. He showed me that this kid that I had the audacity to complain about was a blessing from Him. And that I was the one who seriously needed to change.

My focus changed that day. I started to enjoy this child God had graciously given me. I remembered that motherhood is an incredible gift and that my marriage was a beautiful picture of Christ and the church to the world.

I stopped focusing on what was lacking in the perfect ideal I had created in my mind for my life. Because my ideal was not God’s ideal. God’s ideal for the woman in every home is found in Proverbs 31:10-31. She is honored, respected, and dignified by the position God has given her in her home.

The secret to her joyful activity in her home and community is surrender to her Lord. Her focus is the Lord and honoring Him. She has a reputation of one who fears God (v. 30). Therefore, the “product of her hands” (v. 31) is the respect, honor, and dignity bestowed on her as a result of her relationship with the Lord. Her “works praise her in the gates” because of her commitment to the Lord. Kingdom work is her focus. All the other actions outlined in this passage are a by-product of serving her Lord.

Mothering and being an excellent wife are important and worthy roles of womanhood. But they are only roles. They do not determine our relationship with Christ. Rather, our relationship with the Lord of our lives determines how well we handle these roles.

In those first years of my son’s life, my focus was not on my Lord and increasing my relationship with Him. My focus was on my very difficult struggle to understand the big “why” of my life. I prayed. I studied. But I didn’t make myself surrender to the Lord who could change me. My circumstances never changed. But when I finally let Him back on the throne of my life, my perspective did. And, once again, my family was a joy to me and I was privileged to serve them.

I will admit, it didn’t happen overnight. But little by little, day by day, as I continued to daily surrender myself to Christ, He daily gave me the grace to serve in my roles with excellence. I’m not perfect. Neither is the woman described in Proverbs 31. I know she’s not because, like you and me, she’s only human. God has called us as Christian women to holiness and excellence. But only through His power can we accomplish that goal.

I have learned that the woman in Proverbs 31 is not a blueprint or checklist that we must match exactly, but rather, a model to instruct us. And the key to learning from her is found in verse 30. She feared her Lord. If we get that right, the rest will come. Perhaps, like my experience, it won’t come easily. But it will come.

The Glory of God changes everything


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